Still

I've accumulated some amusing stories recently regarding my single status...here you go. I figured I'd lump them all in one post rather than having several rants in a row. I share these in hopes of educating the general public.

Story One:
My former branch president's son visited church with his wife and small children recently. They were cleaning the carpet with some spot remover when the baby started crawling for it. I grabbed the baby before he could crawl into the chemicals. It's nice knowing that I do have some motherly instincts in there somewhere! I held the baby on my lap and my former branch president says "Liz, that looks very natural to have a baby on your lap."

Ok, um, thanks? I chose to take it as a compliment. It's nice knowing that I look like I could pull off being a mother. And then I wished that he would leave it at that.

But of course he didn't stop there.

I didn't get my wish. 

"You really should have some babies of your own," he finished- in front of everyone. 

Really?? You know, I think I've heard that before. Let me get a pencil and write this down. 

Supposed... to... have.... babies. Who'da thunk it?

I think next time this happens, my retort will be "But I'd be in big trouble if I had a baby right now."

Can you say cart before horse?

And to say this to me as though I don't want babies?

Or that I am in a place in life where I could be having babies and am choosing not to?
How about I find a man first??
Hello??

Story #2:
I was at a stake meeting for YW- we have one every stake conference. I've attended 6 or 7 over the years, having been in YW since 2008. Our stake YW pres was talking about how we're to be an example to the girls and then was asking things like "Do you have faith? Are you a good example of a righteous wife and mother?"

Once again, didn't find it offensive. Trust me, heard worse. The leaders should be striving to be a good example to the girls in this area of life. Not to mention that I wish I could be an example of a happy marriage and family. Our YW pres understands the plight of being single, having lost her husband and having to take care of the family all by herself for years. And she now recently re-married, I'm super happy for her. She certainly was not saying anything offensive. My other YSA friend recently got put in her ward's YW so I'm happy that I'm not the only single person in YW in our stake. Someone to commiserate with, ha ha.

But then there was this one lady I'd never met before who somehow felt that my friend and I had been slighted and that she needed to come to our rescue. She didn't. I can fight my own battles, thank you. And this wasn't even a battle. I know she meant well, but it got bungled.

"But they're still examples of a righteous woman," she said. 

It was that still that got my goat. Was anyone saying we weren't?

 No.

Is having a wedding ring a requirement for being a righteous woman? I hardly think so. Nor does it determine one's righteousness. Of course we are still examples of righteous women. Why was this in question?

And then she went on,"And they can be good examples to the girls, because not all the girls will get married."

Well thanks for making me feel good about myself.

Is that really all I'm good for? To be the Poster Child of Singleness? I think not. I can't teach them anything else in the gospel, really?? And her comment sounded like my friend and I were never getting married.

Isn't it funny when people's comments are more offensive than what they tried to clarify?

People, please watch it when you "mean well."

Story #3:

About two weeks ago some of our YSA leaders thought it would be a wonderful idea to sign us single people up to be in charge of their ward's Valentine's Day dance. Without asking us in advance. And this activity was already assigned and they switched it so we could do it! Keep in mind that this ward is full of young marrieds. Clearly this was not thought out...you think we want to be in charge of an evening for marrieds?!? And have our noses rubbed in it?? Add the fact that no one is dating any one else in our YSA group- it's not like we could bring a date to it to remedy the situation. My YSA group protested, only to be met with "But you can use our daughter's lights from her reception, it'll be fun." Um, that makes it better???

Only my YSA group would get asked to do this!

Eventually I think they got the hint and we're not booked anymore. I probably would have helped, if only to have a good story out of it. They can borrow my chocolate fountain if they want.

Leaders and fellow members, please put yourself in our shoes. That's all I ask. 

Oh, and to all those who treat me like a human being, thank you. 

I think that's all my happenings for now. Stay tuned!

Why Wait?

One of my sweet friends saw the embroidered dishtowels I had posted on FB recently and said something to the effect of "I'd love something special like that when I get married."

And that comment broke my little heart- why do us single gals put off the joys in life simply because we don't have a special someone?

So I asked her what her desired future kitchen colors were and made her a matching suite of embroidered dishtowels, towels, and a hotpad:

Sometimes the rules of life make me laugh- I'm not allowed to have matching, nice or cute things because I'm single and haven't had a bridal or baby shower? Where did I sign up for that?

Sometimes I swear I'm going to start throwing showers for my single galpals and myself...um, we like nice things too! Do we not matter?

It's all too easy to put off happiness and say "Well I'll have a cute kitchen when I'm married" or "Well I'll be happy when I'm married" or "I'll be happy when I have kids." But what in the meantime? You should allow yourself to be happy now. You are a worthwhile person now. Don't waste your time here on earth just because you're single and/or childless. Life's too short for that. It's easy to focus too much on the future and forget about today.

I don't discriminate- I made a different set of kitchen stuff for my friend who got married. Her desired kitchen colors were red, green, black and tan. She is in her early 30's and just married a great guy in the temple- gotta reward that.

So married or single, have a cute kitchen and seize the day.

Coming Soon to a store near you...

I often joke that I want to write a handbook for Old Marrieds on how to deal with us YSA (cause we're a different species, don't ya know).

In my frustrations in dealing with people, I decided to turn my pain around...into something funny.

So here we go- the books I long to write:

And then I decided that us singles needed books too:

We need to educate the young people so that these prejudices don't continue:

{I started laughing so hard I was crying when I thought of that last one in my car.}

Keep an eye out- if things keep going as they are then one day these will be at your local church bookstore ;)

Pete and Repeat

I got hammered yet again both before and after the last YSA conference. The same individuals, yet again.

The woman who wants me to be with the single 35 year old in my branch is my visiting teacher- who came to see us while Laura and I were scurrying around trying to get ready to go to Harrisburg. I got dressed and came out and proceeded to get nagged by her about my hair, that I should wear it down- to look younger and to attract this guy. Nagged at me again to date this guy.

In my own house.

During Visiting Teaching.

In front of my mother and sister.

Can you say embarrassing? I didn't know what to say. My mother then asked, "Liz, are you interested in [Single Guy]?" to which I quietly replied, No. I think she was trying to get this woman off my back. She doesn't normally ask me things like that. And then the conversation moved on, thank goodness. It was all rather awkward.

My own mother knows better then to nag me about my hair, even if it is prettier down. And my own mother does not nag me about boys, even though I know she would love to be a grandma. Still not understanding why this woman from church thinks she has the right to tell me what to do in matters of the heart.

A week later I found myself at church. Did I really feel like being there? No, Mom was coming out of the hospital and I was pretty tired and had a million things to do to prepare. But I came and was glad because listening to other's testimonies was what I needed. After church I walked over to turn in my tithing and my branch president took my envelope and asked if I'd had a good time while at the YSA conference. Yes, I replied. I was clearly distracted and not remembering what would come next- and come it did:

"Did you meet anyone that you can't live without?"

Maybe some other Sunday I wouldn't have cared so much. But I was emotionally and physically drained and all I wanted to do was to pay my tithing, not be heckled. I just felt like curling into a ball on the ground. I don't even think I answered No, I think I just said "I should have known that was coming" and turned and walked briskly out of the chapel.

What would he have done if I'd said Yes? Does he really think I'm going to come back and say "Oh yes, I met a boy a week ago and he's smart and charming and handsome and we're going to get married." I've heard of some fast engagements, but that's pretty fast. It was an odd way to put it too- shouldn't it also be a factor that the guy can't live without me either?

I guess I just don't understand why I'm getting the same questions over and over from these same people when clearly my answer hasn't changed in over three years. Does this woman think I'm all of a sudden going to change my mind? Does my branch president think I'm going to get engaged and not say anything?

Why ask me when you already know the answer?

Heck, when my time comes, I'll come to church wearing one of those stupid "Future Mrs.{Insert stupid new last name here}" T-shirts that I see in the back of bride magazines. I'll wear a big pin saying "I'm engaged" on my lapel. I'll wear a sandwich board and ring my bell. I'll wave my left hand all over in your face. I won't be subtle. It won't be a secret. I'll even hire a line of guys in medieval garb to come and play trumpets and announce it "Hear Ye, Hear Ye" style.

But here's the thing- I'm happy. Really. I love what I'm doing these days in school and YSA and YW. I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do now. Nagging only serves to diminish my self-esteem, my sense of fulfillment and the happiness I feel. I'm trying, but I can't totally control this whole marriage thing, so why rub my nose in it?

I guess I need to say something to them because this pattern is getting really exhausting. Can't help but notice that it is generally people who are less satisfied with their marriages who are the ones who hound me. Them, and people who don't know proper social etiquette. Misery loves company?

Why is my singleness an open topic? Do I hound the married people? "Why don't you have more children? Do you like your Mother in Law? When are you buying a house? When will you get a raise?" No, because I generally follow proper social etiquette!

I know, I know- I should write the grievances that people cause me in the sand and the good things they do for me in stone- I try not to be offended or irritated but that's hard sometimes. So I vent.

In the meantime, I'll start writing a handbook for them on dealing with the other species at church- The Singles.

And designing a line of shirts (and perhaps some armor too?) for us single peeps.

Pretty tempted to wear this for real:

Then I could just point to it when someone makes a dumb remark.

Oh, and I got around to designing a badge-style pin for those who like better standards in their Get To Know You Games:

Enough venting for now.

Ciao.



Really!?

I have to say, it's interesting being like the only single gal at these kind of aforementioned church functions. By now there's little that people do/say that's offensive, I'm pretty used to it. But good grief I have been asked if I have a man/kids quite a lot in the last few weeks! I found it to be rather amusing.

During the first day of camp there was a gal from one of the other wards that was sharing our tent platform at camp, I'd met her once before and didn't know her well. She'd brought her 3 year old girl to camp for the day. We're sitting there and out of the blue she asks "Do you have kids?"

"Um...No...."


"Really!?"

I cannot emphasize how high the last syllable of "Really!?" went up as she said that, it was so funny. At least to me.

"Really!? You don't have any kids?"

Why did she not believe me the first time? I really wanted to be a smart aleck and say "Yeah I'm pretty sure I haven't pushed a watermelon out of my body, but let me check."

Later that same day she started again:

"So, are you married?"

"Um...No..."

"Really!?"

"Um...yeah...No..."

"Really!? You've never been married before?"

"Nope..."

"Really!?"

As if I would forget that I was married now or in the past. I'm not on a soap with amnesia!
Couldn't she see I wasn't wearing a wedding ring...or any rings at all?

I think the conversation would have continued, but we were interrupted. Why did she think this was her business? I don't know. It was all very funny. People crack me up sometimes.

The next day someone asked where my little girl was- they thought the aforementioned woman's little girl was mine! That gal isn't old but is older then you would think would have a three year old so they thought she was mine (I had played with her for awhile).

Um...Nope...not mine.

And this woman asking me about the little girl was surprised to find out that I was not married/no kids, though thankfully she didn't say "Really!?"

She said it was surprising that I didn't have children because she thought I was good with children...a very nice compliment considering she doesn't know me well either. She went on to say that she didn't see very many people like me in the church, so it was surprising to her. I wanted to argue with that but opted not to. There are a lot of girls like me. There are many singles in the church these days, whether they be never marrieds, divorced or widowed. I know quite a few wonderful gals in their thirties who have never married. I wanted to tell this woman that in my travels I meet quite a few gals who would make a wonderful wife for someone.

Both before and after trek, when people found out that I was going or had gone, they would ask "Oh, were you one of the Ma's?" I have been asked that quite a lot lately.

Um...No. Photographer. Not Ma.

Did they think about what they were saying as it came out of their mouth? What did they think? That I was a single Ma on the trip? They knew I wasn't married, who did they think would be my corresponding "Pa"?

My wonderful unmarried friend did tell me that last year she was asked to be a Ma for their trek...and they got some single guy to be the Pa. Well now it's not kosher to pair up two unmarried people on these things so the stake roped another single girl to join in to offset things. Apparently that made things kosher. They joked that they were the polygamous handcart family!

I have to say that when I heard they were planning trek I thought, "They can't ask me to be a Ma! Yes!" Being single does have its perks every now and then. I still got roped in though, so the joke was on me.

Right now I'm writing to you from good ol' SF and I can't escape it here either. My aunt's down from Alaska and as I'm fixing salad she says "Well I have to ask, Liz...are there any nice boys in PA?" Rather awkward but I handled it with a bit of grace. "Just Amish ones," I said.

Well, just because some boy is nice doesn't mean I want to marry them or them me...

I was able to joke around with her but wouldn't ya think she'd hear it through the grapevine if I had any options? My dad talks to her all the time.

I also recall all the people who said "Maybe your future husband is in PA!" first thing when they found out I was moving. They practically jumped up and down with excitement. It was almost as if they thought that that had never crossed my mind! Trust me, it had...though I never really felt like that was going to be the case...and it's been three years here people. So far I win. I don't know where he is, but so far he's not here. And I've been looking.

I have to say that I'm pretty careful what I ask people- I don't want to say the wrong thing. I know what it's like to get crap from people. Like how I don't bug people about when they're going to have a baby- I assume one will come when it's supposed to. I also assume that they get enough crap from other people, they don't need it from me. 

I try to take people's crap as a backwards compliment...they want me to be happy and to have blessings that they enjoy. It just doesn't always come out right.

Well, in amidst the recent wedding announcements from girls back home that were either little children when I was in YW or who I visited in the hospital when they were born (both true stories!), there is a ray of hope...my aforementioned "polygamist" friend is getting married- and to a really nice guy who is a good member of the church to boot. She's a couple years older then I am and a very sweet girl, so I'm pretty excited for her.

Someday I'll be able to answer "Yes!" to those kind of questions, but in the meantime I'm just trying to do what I'm supposed to do- school and my callings. I'm happy and having fun. And I want the same for you, too.

Really.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is always interesting. It’s a little thorn in my side, but for the most part it’s a good day. We had a nice day with Mom and we also had a widow from our branch over for dinner and that was nice. I like Mother’s Day in PA better then back home. For being a very little branch, I find it interesting that a large percentage of our Relief Society (4 women including me, which is close to half of our regularly attending sisters) have not had children. The others are much older than I. So you have to watch what you say in RS and speakers in Sacrament meeting have to watch what they say because not everyone in the audience is a mother. I don’t take too much offense though, nor do most of the other sisters.


I always hate being forced to take a Mother’s Day present- I’ve been forced to take those presents since I was 17 and that’s getting to be awhile now. It’s so hard not to roll your eyes when they say “But you’re a future mother” year after year. It’s hard not to feel a little blackmailed- I joke that I’ll have to be a mom one of these days because I’ve been forced to accept Mother’s Day presents for the last 12 years.

Mother’s Day presents at church are better out here- I’d much rather have a cute handmade card from the handful of Primary children then the fare back home. Yesterday us gals got bandanas- almost got an orange one (lol) but got a nice bright pink one that'll come in handy for camp. I miss people in the home ward, but it’s good to be out of the home ward especially on occasions like this. Out here I’m treated for who I am, instead of being compared to who I’m not.

Recently my friend Jenni has been writing a series of essays about womanhood and motherhood and the last part of her series were people like me, the “childless” mothers. I liked her essay and I recommend it and the other parts in her series. She has some good links to talks on the subject. It helped some things click for me. I am a mother, even though I don’t have children of my own- I can influence others for good. Being a mother is more than giving birth or wiping noses, it’s more about nurturing others, whoever that may be. One day I will be a mother and everything I do is in preparation.

As a single person, I have these feeling and wants that are frustrating because I have no outlet for them. I want to make valentines and play Santa at Christmastime. I want to take kids to the zoo. I want to make baby blankets and keepsakes. I want to have family home evening with children. I want to love and nurture in ways that I just can’t right now, and that’s frustrating. Sometimes life would be easier if I didn’t have a heart, if instead I was like the Grinch with a heart two sizes too small.

Even though I don’t have a family of my own, I can love and nurture in other ways. I can be an influence for good on our Primary children- most of whom are being raised by grandparents. We invite them over to play every now and then to give their grandma a break. Recently during stake conference, I was sitting next to a woman with a baby that was trying to learn how to stand and he seemed to like to practice with my skirt. I didn’t mind that my skirt was getting a bit slimed- I hardly ever see babies out here (the youngest in our branch are like 7). I have little cousins that I can be an example to, even though I don’t see them very often. I really enjoy being Auntie Liz to the babies of my friends. I have nurturing instincts for the YW- they have few people who teach them the gospel. Most of them have parents who are gone all the time and they need attention- someone to listen. They have few people who tell them No, you shouldn’t do that, which I try to do lovingly. They have few people who encourage them to go to church and activities. In YSA, I try to be friendly even when I’d rather not be. I take younger people under my wing. I remember forever ago when people did that for me when I was out of high school and trying to figure myself out and now it’s my turn to do that for others.

I think that teaching is a big part of nurturing and I find it interesting that I’m often in teaching situations. The YW will ask me questions, or someone at school will have problems remembering how to do something and ask me. Teaching is becoming pretty natural. It feels good to help people become closer to their potential.

Everyone, big or small, needs someone to listen to them- to hear what they say and don’t say. Everyone needs someone to be their cheerleader in life. Everyone needs someone to notice when they’re not there. Those are things that everyone can do. I remember some of the customers that I’d get back when I was working wouldn’t really need sheets or towels, but someone to listen to them. And I would stand there and listen to them even though I had better things to do. Everyone is a child of God.

When Julie B. Beck was out here awhile ago, she told us YSA that we should be involved in service. Yes, we’re busy, but often we have a smidge more time to serve then others might and we should take that opportunity. I’m not perfect, but I try to do that. There are times when I realize that my singleness is a blessing in disguise- I can be away at camp or youth conferences without having to worry about leaving my family. It’s hard for the other leaders. I try to put my singleness to good use. Next month I’ll be Miss Mom as I’ll be house-sitting and keeping an eye on teenagers while their parents are away. I almost didn’t take the gig, but then when I thought about it, who else could do it? Everybody else has family or a job to worry about. I’m out of school for the summer and not doing much right then.

There’s a woman out here in the branch who is nice and all but there are times where she is an example of what I don’t want to be in life. She and her husband never had children and she doesn’t come to church on Mother’s Day because it’s too overwhelming. I feel bad that she feels that way. I wish that she could find peace. I wish that she could have more faith in Heavenly Father’s plan, which promises blessings in the life to come if we do our part. The other childless women in my branch have peace in their hearts and I look up to them. I also look up to the good moms that I see around me. Anyhow, this habit also keeps her husband at home instead of going to church. It makes other people have to teach her Sunday School lesson, which is a challenge in our little branch. Anytime there’s conversation about journals or whatnot, she’s quick to say that she doesn’t bother to keep one because they have no heirs and it would just get tossed out. How uplifting. Anyhow, Heavenly Father has asked everyone to keep a record, heirs or no heirs. Everybody’s life has worth, children or no children. I wish she had a better perspective. I look up to the 2nd counselor in the RS General Presidency, Sister Thompson, and others like her– she never married or had children but she is strong and faithful in the gospel and an example to others. Things didn’t go how she planned, but she serves the Lord anyhow.

Someday I’ll be a mom. Some days I have faith in that more than others. Right now is the time to prepare for that time. I’d like to think that I’ll be a good mom because I’ve had longer to prepare. Heavenly Father has told me that I need to learn interesting things for the sake of my children, and I think that’s what I’m doing right now in school and my hobbies. I still love the talk given by President Uchtdorf about how we’re happier when we create- whether that be talents or things like good families and happy homes. I’m happy when I create- and also when I can help create happiness in others.

Latebloomers

I'm totally a Latebloomer. I'm sure a lot of people are, but I think I take the cake. I don't think I've done very much when I was "supposed" to.

Consider:

• I was born two weeks late
• I was baptized four months after I turned 8...had to wait for Dad to get home
• I never did earn my YW medallion (working on it now!)
• I got my driver's license when I was 19
• It took 3.5 years to get a 2 year degree
• I was essentially 22 when I left on my mission
• I was late entering the dating world
• We're STILL unpacking from the move nearly 3 yrs ago
• I'm 29 and still working on a Bachelor's degree
• I have yet to have a real job
• And oh yeah, no man/babies either

I think the only thing I ever did early was graduate at age 17 (I turned 18 later that summer).
I joke that one day I'll be grown up. Right now I'm Peter Pan, being a big kid. And I love it. I'm happier than I've been in awhile.

It's easy to compare yourself to others and go "What's wrong with me?" but I've found that that just leads to unhappiness. I have to remember that everyone's timeline isn't the same- and thank heavens it's not or else the world would be so boring. Not to mention we couldn't get advice from people who've done it before.
It's easy to feel like there's an expiration date on me that says "Must Get Married By Age 30", but there isn't. At least I haven't found it in the shower.

I enjoy keeping in touch on fb, but at the same time I find out about a lot of marriages/children of those much much younger than I (that I probably wouldn't have heard of otherwise) which can get depressing if I let it. It's really easy to say THEY'RE getting married?!? or They've got HOW many kids now? but I try not to. It gets worse when they're kids you used to babysit, or if they were the little children of your YW leader back in the day. When I compare myself to others, it just makes me sad, and who needs that? The race is against ourselves, not against others.

I didn't realize until I left how sad I was being in my home ward (which I'd been there for like 20 years). I miss people back home but it's very good for my mental health not to be around all the kids getting married and all the people who compare me to them. I love being in YW here, but I was always so fearful of being put in it back home- I think I would have gone crazy from comparison.

I tell myself that I'm doing what I'm supposed to and I think I'm where I'm supposed to be for the time being, so I should be happy. And I am. I can't help if my timeline is different than others. It drives me crazy when people need to "fix" me because they think my timeline is wrong.

That being said, I love it when I see other Latebloomers succeed in the whole marriage/babies thing. One of the guys that I knew in the singles ward forever ago recently got married (for the first time!)- and he's 10 years older than I. He finally found the right girl. One of the older guys I know out here is getting married in June, he's in his early 30's and is so happy. Not many marry out here, so I love seeing people succeed.
I saw a blog by an LDS girl who was 31 and decided to go on 31 dates with 31 different boys in 31 days and spend a total of $31. And you know what? She found her man by doing that and their wedding pics were posted on Style Me Pretty. Her blog is down while she's writing a book about it. Sadly, the whole 31 dates/days thing isn't an option for me-I don't know 31 eligible men out here- or really, any.

One of the couples that I know in the stake are older- probably in their later 40's or early 50's. Both real nice, normal people. I was surprised to find out that they'd only been married a couple of years- and neither had been married before. They had finally found their person. They grinned, "Yeah, we're Latebloomers." And I was thrilled to see that they had adopted a tiny baby last fall. I hadn't seen the wife since the adoption, but I saw her when I crashed another ward's RS birthday party last month. And it was wonderful to see her so incredibly happy being a mother. She glowed and I could see the joy in her eyes. When I see people like this, it gives me hope.

One of my personal heroes is Kristen Oaks, the second wife of Elder Dallin H. Oaks. He married her after his first wife had passed away. I believe she was in her 50's when she married Elder Oaks (Side Note: I can't imagine dating an apostle!) and she had given up on getting married. She had devoted herself to her family and service. I enjoyed the CES fireside that Elder Oaks spoke at (I believe it was in 2008) and I enjoyed what she said during that fireside as well. She said that if you can't handle being single, then you'll never handle being married. I was excited to hear that she has a book out, it's on my To Read list.

All of us are on our own paths, and it's important to remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. He knows and loves us individually and he knows what is best for us. I'm hoping that I'll be a good wife/mom when the time comes because I've had longer to prepare for it.

Go Ask Alice

I went and saw Alice last night with my aunt and sister last night, and I was glad I did. Besides the visuals being great, I particularly identified with the opening scene where everyone is expecting her to say yes to that daffy fellow. I didn't like that the movie poopooed marriage, but at least they poopooed bad marriages- arranged, unhappy ones and the cheating brother-in-law.

I identified with that opening scene for several reasons:

1) I had a blind date much like that- everyone in his family and extended family wanted to see us meet! What a circus. Perhaps I will tell that story one day.

2) The people there (including her family) expected her to say yes to this boy without even caring if she wanted to marry him or not. And they told her "she'd never do any better." She was expected to be married just to be married.

This scene was very interesting to me because of some very recent events. The day before I saw the movie, Sunday, I was chatting with my branch president and his counselor in the hallway, and the topic turned to the last YSA conference that I had attended. And naturally (D'oh!) they asked if I had met "anybody" there. Hint hint. They have done this on many an occasion, I put up with it. You'd think after the same answer time after time that they'd stop asking...and wouldn't they hear through the grapevine (it's a tiny branch!) if I did meet someone?

Well it escalated past their usual comments. They like to tell me to "put myself out there more" when in reality I am one of the most social creatures at these things! Trust me, I'm trying. They started telling me that I needed to take President Uchtdorf's example and wear someone down (During the YW broadcast the night before, President Uchtdorf talked about the lengths he went to to win his wife's heart). They told me that I needed to club someone over the head and drag them off.

Well that's the way to make someone feel attractive, no?

Apparently no one wants to be with me unless I club them.

I told my branch president (if you are going to dish it out then you had better be prepared to get it back!) that it was not in his best interest to get me married off- he would then have to find a new YW leader, a near impossible task in our tiny branch. After nearly 2 years in YW, I still don't have any counselors and the Primary just got reduced- one leader just moved.

It escalated from there. One of the women in the branch walked through when all this was going on and overheard and put in her two cents as she was walking out, she totally interrupted. It felt like machine gun fire spewing from her mouth. The backstory is that for quite awhile now she has been telling my mother that I need to date this guy in our branch. Sunday marked the first time she told me to my face instead of behind my back. She kept telling me that I needed to ask him out, go to a movie (why is this my job?). I don't know all of what she said, I started blocking it out. It was really loud and uncalled for, telling me what to do. Thank heavens this guy was gone that day and didn't overhear all that. Talk about mortifying.

Is this guy nice? Sure, but I don't find myself particularly attracted to him. And I don't think he's attracted to me. I've been in this branch for nearly 3 years, I think he'd do something by now if he was interested. He's my home teacher to boot, he has an "in" if he wanted one.

But here's the thing: I make my dating decisions based on other elements besides the fact that he's the only single man in the branch approximately my age (he's 35ish).

And to shout at me about this, like I'm some kind of idiot that never noticed a youngish single man in my branch of 20 people. How stupid does she think I am? And she was essentially 40 when she married, where does she get off pushing me onto someone? Shouldn't she be on my side?

Normally incidents in this nature don't fluster me (you should hear the things that people say to me), but Sunday really bothered me. I had three individuals bashing me at once.

It escalated from there.

Yesterday, Tuesday, a mere two days after this verbal assault (that's what it felt like), I get a message in my FB inbox from another woman in the stake. She meant well, but felt the need to tell me of a 37ish yr old single guy in her ward with three children. Hint hint, subtle. I politely (gritting my teeth) told her thank you for the information and left it at that. I looked at his profile, I do not feel the need to get to know this individual better.

Talk about an overload.

Am I a broken thing to fix? It's hard not to feel like a dog that people are throwing bones to.

One thing that drives me absolutely crazy in Mormon culture is the attitude that people have that you have to get married just to be married, or that it doesn't matter who you marry so long as you are married. Let me make myself clear that I am not attacking the church or its doctrine on marriage- I believe in marriage. I love the teachings from our prophet and apostles. And they warn that who you choose to marry is one of the most important decisions that you will make in this life. This decision is not something that I take lightly. Most of the people who marry just to be married are now divorced. Or are miserable. Or both.

If I wanted to only be married, I could be married several times over by this point. I know how to play my cards. And I'd be miserable, for I didn't love any of them. What kind of life is that?

Yet time and time again people make suggestions to me that are contrary to what the brethren teach, they say to the effect of "Just Get Married." Like the aforementioned "Just find someone and crack them over the head and drag them off". Like when this same branch president wanted me to date his nonmember hick friend who was "quiet". Thank heavens he forgot to follow through with that. And this woman yelling at me in the hall to date/marry this guy without caring what I think. The list goes on and on.

I think that some marrieds need a manual about how to deal with us singles. I have some great married friends...and then there are the people you want to beat with clubs. They said what? There really are times when I'm like "How are these words actually coming out of your mouth??"

And where do these people get off thinking that they know what's better for me than myself? That they know what's best for me better than my family does? That they know better than Heavenly Father what's best for me? They don't understand that I am on my own timeline- and that I am happy with that. I'm in a good place now. I have faith that things will happen when they are supposed to happen. I go by the Holy Ghost when making decisions. I am continually preparing myself for that time. But it is not this very second. And really, I haven't waited this long just to settle. Ha. I'd rather be a cat lady and have fun!

My friend Jenni recently made the point that you cannot have two "half" people to make a marriage- it requires two "whole" people. And I am working on making myself that much more "whole" so that I can bring something to a marriage. I think that I deserve someone who is doing the same.

At the very least I need a shirt with a witty comeback on it, then I can just point to my shirt when I'm being verbally assaulted.

Stand Up

So I wrote this whole script (and brought a blazer!) to do stand up at the talent show last weekend, and it didn't work out. Oh well. At least I wrote the script! It's all from my life, seriously! Here you go:

Good evening all

If my high school self could see me now, she’d roll over in her grave! I never used to talk.

I’m wearing my blazer, I think it’s the law that you have to wear a blazer if you do stand up.

If you guys don’t laugh at my jokes, then I’ll have to start dancing and you don’t want to see that.

So you might be asking, Liz, why are you here?

I’m here to land me a man, of course. I gotta shut up the old ladies back home. You know, the ones that like to come up to you and ask if you’ve found Mr. Right…and they’re serious.
I’ll preface this story by telling you that once upon a time I was 23 and I had only been home from my mission for a month and a half. And I got asked that point blank- “Have you found Mr. Right?” And I started to laugh and then I realized: She was serious. And I had to be honest and tell her no- I’d only been home for a month and a half…I was still in Sister Missionary Mode where boys are icky!

And then she looked at me and just sighed in disappointment. And then she started to babble on and say that that was ok, I didn’t have to marry and that I could be like Shari Dew. Now, don’t get me wrong because Shari Dew is an amazing woman and I should hope to be half the woman that she is, but this is not exactly what you want to hear when you are 23.

Soooo….I’m getting to that age:
The age where the kids you babysat are now getting married.
The age where the kids that I visited in the hospital when they were born are now getting married.
The age where you have to start buying your own wedding presents- cause sometimes you need a blender and no one has bought ya one. I’m thinking I should start a trend of showers for single gals
And in all reality I’m not that old…I fully meet the requirements to be at a YSA event. For a good while longer, too. But all these whippersnappers getting married sure makes me feel old. It doesn’t help that I go to college with kids ten years younger than I am…because in my tech class my teacher will ask things like “What is your first memory of a computer?” and the other kids in class remember things like Windows 97.Meanwhile, I remember DOS! And floppy disks! You had to type stuff in when you started up your computer and everything.

I’m getting to the age where being the Crazy Cat Lady is starting to look good. My friend and I have decided on an arrangement that we’ll still care about getting married for a certain allotment of time. We’ll be sociable. We’ll wear makeup and pantyhose and heels. And we’ll worry about having cute clothes. But once that period of time is over, we’ll move in together and we’ll get a whole bunch of cats.

It must be so much fun to be the crazy cat lady because you don’t have to care what society thinks anymore. You don’t have to brush your hair. You don’t have to diet. Your uniform is sweats and crocs and a shirt that says something like “No outfit is complete without a little cat hair.”

Watch, it’ll be after I let loose and become Crazy Cat Lady that I’ll find my very own Crazy Cat Guy and settle down. You see those crazy couples at Wal-Mart, truly there is someone for everyone.

So, I was in Young Women’s when I was a younger, and then I graduated from high school and went on to other things. I served in Primary, I served a mission, I served some more in Primary, and I served in Relief Society. Basically, everywhere except Young Women’s. And then, exactly ten years later, I got put back in Young Women’s as a leader. And I figured out why:

I flunked Young Women’s.

I was out of Young Women’s for ten whole years and I didn’t get married and have children. I flunked. So they put me back in. And I love it. I have more in common with the girls than the Relief Society sisters anyhow.

A while ago I was cleaning and I found The List. And all you girls out there know what I’m talking about. When you have the marriage lesson in YW, they make you write a list of all the qualities that you want in a spouse. And I am proud to say that I had a very good list, nothing too silly there. But I wound up tossing it because I think I know better now what I’m looking for than my 14 year old self. It’s pretty funny now being the one to teach the marriage lesson, but I didn’t make them write a list.

I spend a lot of my time at youth activities, and at the last youth conference that I chaperoned, one of the girls that I brought met this boy that she really liked. And here’s the kicker: he liked her back just as much. And this was only a couple of hours into the conference. I was like “How does that happen? Can I take notes?” I think they’re teaching me more than I’m teaching them.

So, I used to work at Bed Bath & Beyond back in the day. I used to be the person that set up registries for engaged couples. That’s me, always the registrar, never the bride. I met all kinds of couples, some were very nice. And then there were the ones where you were like “Really?”
When you saw some of the last names that these girls would be getting, you knew it had to be true love cause there’s no other way that that was going to happen. My other friend and I have an agreement that if either of us gets a new stupid last name, that the other one can laugh at it and we won’t care. You can laugh at my stupid new last name, I won’t even care.

So I have some tips for the guys out there. Kind of a Public Service Announcement. Am I picking on the guys? Maybe a bit, but I’m trying to help. I know a lot of really nice guys out there and I want them to be happy and find a nice girl and settle down. Likewise, I’m hoping that if I help the guys out, then I’ll also be helping the girls out cause there’s a lot of nice girls that I know that want them to settle down and be happy too. And there’s a bit of a selfish reason for wanting to help the guys out cause then that will help me out. So ladies, it’s once for you and twice for me. Now, is anyone perfect? No, we all make dumb mistakes. One of the last conversations I had with a guy wound up being about how I needed to go use the little girl’s room. Cause that’s hot, right?

So I won’t call these rules, because guys, you just might find a girl that isn’t taken aback by these things, but odds are these suggestions will help you with the ladies. So we’ll call them “guidelines” like on Pirates. And I kid you not that the things that I talk about are true. They really happened.

• 
  Guideline Number One: Guys, when you’re asking me out, you don’t have to mention that your suit really really needs dry-cleaning. I don’t need to know that. When you show up on my doorstep in your clean, freshly pressed suit, I will pretend that it has always been like that and has never ever been in a smelly heap in the back of your closet.
• 
  Guys, when you ask us to hang out at your place after church, you should be able to tell us how to get there. You just came from there.

• Don’t ask us out to make sure that you really like your steady girl. We don’t like that.

• Don’t ask us out in front of everyone when Sunday School is getting out. Find someplace more appropriate.

• When you’re in a romantic situation out on a balcony overlooking the Puget Sound and it’s all beautiful with the bridges and the ferry boats all lit up, now is not the time to ask me if I had weird bugs on my mission. And by the way, I served in Connecticut, so no terribly weird bugs.
• I’m a firm believer that whoever asks for the date should pay for it. If you ask me to a semiformal dance and we’re out at a nice place beforehand, after dinner is not the time to ask me if I want you to pay for my meal. Especially not when we’re doubling with another couple where there’s no question that that guy’s paying for his date.

• Us girls don’t want to go on dates that are more appropriate for youth. One guy was all flirty with me and I’m thinking “I might get some free dinner out of this”. Well instead of being asked out, I got handed a business card. This guy and his best friend had this dating “business” where I was supposed to invite a galpal over and provide some food and they’d cook and clean and entertain. On the card was their contact info and a photo of them in white shirts and ties and aprons holding cooking utensils. It was the funniest card ever, and I was so sad that I lost it. This whole scenario was never going to happen since I lived in a tiny place with my family and had no privacy, not to mention that I didn’t have a galpal that I would subject that to. It also made me the “guy” having to set it all up. I guess these guys were scared of rejection so this was easier, but the irony is that if this guy had just said “Liz, would you like to go have dinner with me?” then the answer probably would have been yes. And who knows- maybe things would have worked out and I wouldn’t be here tonight and I’d have a stupid new last name.

• Please don't call my house at 8am...on a Saturday! I wasn't home anyhow, I was a working girl.

• Please don't "borrow" someone's child from daycare to show me that you're good with kids...I don't want you to go to prison!

So guys, it doesn’t have to be that hard. All you have to do is find a nice girl that you would like to know better and find out her name. And here’s the hard part: You have to remember her name. And so you say “(fill in the blank), would you like to go to dinner with me?” And she’ll either say yes or no and you go on from there.

Sometimes it happens where the night that you suggest does not work with our schedule- sometimes we have to go to wedding receptions for the kids we babysat. But we’ll make it clear that we want to reschedule.

Meanwhile, it’s usually pretty obvious when a girl isn’t interested, we generally don’t talk in code although we do have our secret signal for when we have to go to the bathroom in groups.
So we’ll either say No or something like “I have to wash my hair” or “I have to organize the files on my computer” or “I have to feed my cats.” If we say things like that, then you should just move on.

Boys, I hope that was helpful. If you have any suggestions for us girls, then I’ll be around all weekend. I need all the help I can get.

Thank you everyone! Good night!

"So Liz...

...why are you still single?"

I think this speaks for me:

That is what was in my FB inbox today, apparently he's 50 and looking for a ladyfriend. Total stranger. Ummm...no! Flattered, but no thanks. If I had been drinking water, I'd have done a spit take!
He does get some creativity points for the hair and muttonchops.

Faith

Like I said, when I went to the Ithaca conference, I sat through a workshop taught by the president of the Palmyra temple. he taught about "One Eternal Round", how God wants us to have families and be blessed with everything that He has. Well, somewhere in that discussion about marriage, he shared how he had had the opportunity to meet the general YW president a long time ago when his girls were YW themselves. I estimate this was a good forty years ago.

He took the opportunity to ask her what she felt that his daughters, being young women, especially needed to know. I perked up and took note since I am YW leader, and not all that different from the YW myself.

Her answer was "To be successful singles."

And the answer floored him.

And when he shared that, I admit that my heart sank.

He went on and explained. There are less men on this earth. There are less men in the church than women. And when you crunch the numbers, there are far less worthy men than women to have temple marriages. The numbers haven't changed much for years. Hence, the need for women to learn to be happy and successful on their own.

This information doesn't come as much of a surprise, but it wasn't what I really wanted to hear. It's a comfort to know that God is merciful and His plan allows for marriage beyond the grave, but I tire of hearing that doctrine. Trust me, I'm well aware of this concept. I recall getting a "Mother's Day" gift in the singles ward years ago that was a church CD with a quote on it that referred to that concept and how not all of us will get married in this life. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Perhaps getting married really is like winning the lottery. Who knows. I worry about my girls, they don't have many examples of temple marriages in their lives. There are not many nice boys out here for them to date. There are hardly any young men in our branch for them to even associate with. I pray for them.

People tell me I should go to Utah, as if getting married is a numbers thing. Gotta increase your odds. Well, over the years I've met hundreds of nice young men and that doesn't mean anything. I haven't found the right one. After all, I'm looking for one, not hundreds, right? I've met several couples out here that have pretty miraculous "How They Met" stories, if God can do that for them, then he can do that for me. I have to have faith in the promises that have been made to me. Right now I feel like I am where I should be, doing what I should be doing. Marriage and babies will come when it should.

I'm reminded of an experience that I had while working at BB&B. I used to be the one who helped couples to register for wedding gifts (that's right, always the registrar, never the bride, lol) and one evening this nice young couple came in. I met a lot of trainwreck couples in that line of work, but they were different- eventually I figured it out that they were LDS.

I set them up and they started scanning items, later the bride had to step out and the groom was chatting with me. He told me about how they met. He was living in Utah at the time and felt this prompting that he should go home to WA. And he ignored it- why should he give up his comfortable lifestyle? Well, one by one, his lifestyle was taken away from him- he lost his apartment, job, etc. He was forced to go back and live with his parents.

The very night that he got to WA, a friend called him, said "Hey come to my party." The groom was tired and didn't want to go, but he wound up going somehow.

And that's where he met her. They were meant to be. God orchestrated it so that a family could begin.

I don't think it was any coincidence that I happened to be the one to help them that night. They could have come in at any other time. Heavenly Father wanted me to know that story. And I am thankful for that.