New Normal

I didn't mean to leave my rant up for so long, but it's been hard finding the motivation to write this post. When the ball dropped and it became 2012, I had this feeling in my heart that it was going to be a tough year

A few days later, I was right.

My grandmother (Dad's mother) had not one, but two strokes not long after that night. She has spent the last month and a half in hospitals and is now in a nursing home. She had a big complication when it was discovered that she was bleeding internally, they had to go up in through a blood vessel in her leg and repair the artery in her stomach. She used up a lot of units of blood and plasma. Thank goodness for the kind strangers who gave blood.

I spent two weeks out West- I went to WA for a dear friend's wedding and then I traveled down to CA to visit family. I was planning on going to CA anyhow before this happened, and then having all this happen made me anxious to get to CA. People ask me how my trip was, and it was a good trip (you'll see those pics next post) but my week in CA was hard. I usually gloss over the hard part. 


It was heartbreaking to see my dear grandmother in a hospital bed in her nursing home. This was all a total surprise, my grandmother is only 78 and very spry. She was just fine and even driving the day before her stroke. I forget how old she and my grandfather have become because they just don't act their age and haven't changed in 30 years. 


I didn't know what to expect when I saw my grandmother. I was able to visit her 4 times during my week there. I didn't know if she would recognize me, but she did and was so happy to see me. She's not quite herself, but more "herself" than I thought she would be. During my visits, she called me by name, asked me what Mom and Laura were up to. Told my dad that she and him have great kids. Remembered that the local mall had been remodeled. Out of the blue, she told me that she was so proud of me for graduating. That touched my heart. But she doesn't always know what's going on- she'd talk when we were saying a prayer before leaving. She couldn't remember if she'd had therapy that day. And she thinks she's in Utah. She keeps asking my dad and grandfather when they're returning home to SF.

She looks better than she is- she's generally pretty cheerful and happy. She looks like she should come home soon. But her health is bad. Her heart  and organs are bad and there's really nothing that can be done. She doesn't want to eat.

I do not know how much longer my grandmother will be around. In reality, I do not know how long any of my grandparents will be around.

It broke my heart to see my grandmother in this state. She will never come home. She is in limbo between this life and the next. It broke my heart to see my grandfather dealing with all of this. He whistles when he walks as a distraction- something he never did before. 


The unfinished business breaks my heart. I think about all the letters I should have written. When did I talk to her last before this happened? I talked to her every couple of weeks but I don't remember what we talked about last. She and Grandfather celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary right before this happened. Dad had the idea for each of us to write 15 memories (60 total) of them and we'd send it- but we were too late. Laura had been making afghans for them when this happened. I think of all my grandmother's unfinished work, the plans that will never be.

It was really hard to say goodbye and leave her room at the nursing home before it was time to catch my flight. It's probably the last time I'll see her alive. I didn't take a picture, but I made a memory in my heart. She was smiling and happy, sweet as ever. She didn't seem like she was hurting. I held her hand and kissed her forehead. I couldn't tell her that I loved her without totally bawling- I'm sure I'll regret that someday- but she knows that I do love her very much. 


I'm really thankful for the comfort that my family and I have received from Heavenly Father at this time. God has a plan, and we have to trust in Him.

My grandmother, with her daughters, granddaughters and great- granddaughter

I tell all this to you as a reminder to love your family. Take every opportunity you can- for one day, God will want them back. Don't wait on the things you want to do- someday you will not have the time.


My grandmother, without fail, told me that she loved me at the end of every phone call- and I returned the sentiment- and it still wasn't enough.